Synthetic Ecstacy
by Cimmerian Sorceress
Summary: Break them first or I'll break. That was what I was told. So why do I feel like I'm the one who's broken...' Duo centric, blurred, angsty fic. Slight 1x2.


warning: if you can make out head or tail of this fic, then you oughta be committed. coz even i don't understand it :D oh yeah, and some 1x2. slight yaoi.

spoilers: none

timeline: eh...blink

plot: gok

disclaimer: some of the phrases are from the lyrics of da song **'frozen'** by **celldweller**. the characters that are insinuated to are from **gundam wing/ ac**. thtz it.

notes: this is kind of like a songfic. except i placed the lyrics in the text. and kind of them splinched them a bit. the stuff in middle here n there are some latin phrases i picked up with their translationz. therez no real meaning in this fic. just a stress burner before an exam. itz nice 2 read this fic while actually listening 2 da song. otherwise, itz just **crap**.

dedication: some crazy friend of mine who calls herself ick and wantz every1 elz to call her ice.

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**Synthetic Ecstacy**

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Pause the clock. Time stops. Wash the blood off my faded face. My innards force themselves out. I smile. Death is knocking. Who am I to refuse it abode? I welcome it, watching it slither in. A tongue of fire traces my lip's outline. Frozen breath originates. I'm choking. Black is all I see.

_**Liberate te ex inferis **_

_(Save yourself from hell)_

Steady arms wrap around me. Darkness has come. I snarl. Its bindings tighten, pulling me harder within its bitter embrace. I struggle. But who can hurt something within themselves? This one moment is intensified. The colors all fade to grey. I moan. The lights dim even further. Flashes in an enclosed room. Hot. Heavy. Bodies press against each other. No restriction. No hesitation. Never.

_**Visne saltare?**_

_(Do you want to dance?)_

Pupils dilate and the beat goes on. Without fail, the beauty of the music expressed. Head tilting back, feelings revoke themselves. Heat creeps under the folds of the shirt. Hips grinding. Harder. Biting my lip for control. Blood seeps. A hand slips down. Down and down. Sinking forever. Pleasure... pure pleasure dirtied.

_**Bibere venenum in auro **_

_(Drink poison from a cup of gold)_

It's better to be broken than to break.

_**Peccavi**_

_(I have sinned)_

A cheap toilet stall. Force, pain and more. Clothes unravel. Fake beauty ignored as the moment is cheapened. Only the pulse and the beat left. An elemental rhythm as the real world begins to fade. Steady thrum and synthetic ecstasy. Only to fade…

_**Spemque metumque inter dubiis **_

_(Hover between hope and fear)_

I can see a frozen point in time. When there was none of this. The path is easy to retrace. A face once awaited. Blue eyes gleaming. But I've lost it all now. Light and darkness were once both intertwined. But that time has passed. The elements were in their place. Now they're disarranged, disarrayed… all because of me.

_**Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur **_

_(We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving)_

One motion of your wanting mind and it all begins to fade. All the hateful things I have become temporarily go away. Snap. Back to reality. A never ending fight against time. Another drug induced call. Leaving the warmth I refuse to remain with. Yet another. There's something better out there. Isn't there? Won't you go away? I'm falling. More death, more pain, revel in it. You're always there. In my mind. An arm's length away yet miles apart. Stop it. Help me.

_**Cotidie damnatur qui semper timet**_

_(The man who is constantly in fear is every day condemned)_

I'll take you anywhere you want to go. You once whispered. Warm breath splaying across my cold cheek. But all I hear now are words that take me away from anything that feels like home. From you. I'm not where I want to be. Another body. Another night. Another darkness. You aren't here. I look into the blank eyes above me. They're anyone I want them to be. To be played with and discarded after I'm done. I'm waiting for you still but you're not coming. Why?

_**Eram quod es, eris quod sum **_

_(Inscription on a Grave: I was what you are, you will be what I am.)_

How long will I be here without you near? I'm so cold. Let the blood seep out, a needle push in. Let the fantasy continue. True love hides within the walls. My heart hurts. Ignore it. Close your eyes now. Don't wake up. Let the nightmare, no... fantasy continue. Dark blue eyes flash by. My heart stops. You're here but you don't answer my call. Soldiers and angels fall. Shattering glass. We're all broken. Who fixes the soldiers when they break?

_**Quis custodiet ipsos custodes **_

_(Who shall keep watch over the guardians?)_

Break them first or I'll get broken. That was what I was told. So why am I the broken one? Why am I so cold? I'm so cold. So cold. Let me fall.

_**Facilis descensvs averno**_

_(The descent to Avernus/ Hell. It's easy to fall, hard to rise.)_

A fading memory re-enters. Let the blood seep. Pure calamity. A sting as I'm slapped. Open your eyes. He's found me. I'm pinned. Again. But now I enjoy it. I'm sick, twisted and have been slighted a time too many. I deserve this. Four bodies linger in front of me, blending into the shadows, hardly there. Their eyes gleam. The static disappears. A pang. They've found me. I fall on my knees, my eyes pleading for more. Violet, amethyst, a shade too dark, a colour too dull clashes against blue. Disgust or pity, I'm not sure which anymore reflect in their Prussian depths. Break it down. Time unravels. I laugh.

_**Crudelius est quam mori semper timere mortem**_

_(It is crueler to always fear death than to die)_

A cackle that runs down the spine. Chilling, isn't it? I see the lone dragon shiver. Even the clown who can not smile is affected. Empathy hurts the one of the space heart. But the one with blue. He stands still, statuesque, perfect. A frozen statue with a perfect bloody heart. A bleeding heart that has bathed in blood. He draws me. Bloodlust calls. I crawl to him, pulling him down. His lips meet mine. The real world begins to fade. Shadow to shadow. Dust to dust.

_**Pulvis et umbra sumus **_

_(We are dust and shadow)_

Is this another fantasy? The world tilts. My mind is frozen. Lips still pressed against another. It seems so real to me. Another time, another lie, another death. Why can I not see? I could see a frozen point of time when it was real. So real to me.

_**Redivivus**_

_(Come back to life)_

There's a place I want to be. I'll end up there eventually. Until then, I'll stay in this embrace. Lips pressed against this delusion. The sound of a victim's whine, my cries ignored. Once again. It's time to fade. Feel nothing more. Nothing but the synthetic ecstasy…

**_Amor vincit omnia_**

_(Love conquers all)_

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**A/N:** Makes no sense, I know. But the song wouldn't leave my head and I started getting panic attacks over my exams and my friend told me some wierd things and this fic came to be. The end.


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